Real Life

To have an eating disorder...what can I say about it?
It was a horrible time in my life. No, I didn't binge and purge, or stop eating altogether, although sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have been better if I had. No, my poison was that known as Obsessive Compulsive Eating. I would binge, but no purge. I felt the need to hide my food, and eat as much as I could when I was alone. I had pressure put on me by family to lose weight and be thin, and I was already feeling very self conscious by age 12. Looking back at pictures, I was stick thin. I had no business being on a "diet" at that age.
I don't blame my mom for anything; she did was she thought was best. I mean, she was obese herself, and I think she feared that I would end up like her someday. So I never blame her. Looking back, she claims she doesn't remember any of this, so I guess you can't blame someone for something they don't remember.
I have struggled...and sturggled with this for years now. The relationship with food that I had and sometimes still have is a complicated one. Food is a comfort for me. I use it to satisfy my emotions. I know that it is wrong, but I cannot help it.
This disorder haunts me. I have people tell me that I'm in denial, and that its my fault that I have this problem. Maybe it is. But all I know is that if I see my preteen daughter or son gaining a bit of weight, I'm going to do things a hell of a lot different than what was done for me.
To feel so strongly about food is embarrassing. It is a horrible thing to have to deal with this.
I am trying every day. I swear to G-d I am trying to cope. But it does not help when I feel so alone in this. It is a bad situation...