Angry At The World

Ugh. These past couple of days have been just too much. I am so angry. Angry at things that are completely beyond my control. But no matter how much I keep telling myself its out of my hands, my emotions still attack it like I could change the outcome. I am so frustrated. One minute I am all weepy about it, crying and asking G-d to sway the odds in my favor. The next minute, I am furious that I would beg someone to do a certain task, finally give up on asking them and accept them for who they are and what they are willing to do, that person leaves, and then does EXACTLY the same task I BEGGED them to do when we were in contact...It blows my mind. I am a rollercoaster of emotions about this situation, and I hate it. I wish my mind would just pick a side and stick with it. Tonight is one of those nights where I am FURIOUS at the person in question, although in reality I have no right to be, but I can't understand why I feel such hatred towards the person in question. Of course, to make it all worse I can't help but feel like all this emotion coming out of me is the result of me loving this person so deeply, and the fact that I know that I can never have what I want makes me angry...I don't know anymore...
On top of that, it seems like my social life is taking a toll. When I want to go out, no one seems like they can go, due to work, family, etc. Yet when I have to work or study for an exam, the phone is ringing off the hook! All these invites to go out...and I can't. I simply cannot sync my schedule with the rest of the world apparently.
All in all, I feel like I am Rapunzel...Trapped in a tower built on my own...my own hardened heart has made me a wall to shield me from potential heartbreak...Even after I spent so much time rescuing a Prince Charming from his own tower...How Ironic. So I guess I will have to sit back and wait for my TRUE Prince Charming to come rescue me, to break down my wall and see the real me, and all the love that I have to give to someone.
Just please come soon, my sweet Prince.

Musings

So its Friday night, and I should be out and about, or at least a Temple. But I've just been so tired lately. I never seem to act my age; I'm 20 years old, and tend to act like a middle aged woman. I don't know if that hinders the search for my man or what. I know a guy needs to like you for who you are, but I am both people. I used to want to go out all the time, but then when I got heavy, I tended to shy away from the party scene (unconsciously I think). Now I've lost a lot of the weight, and my subconscious wants to go out, but I think my conscious is scared. Also, I used to date a man who NEVER wanted to go out, and I accepted that, because I loved him for him (long story for another blog perhaps). I've found out recently that he now goes out to the places I begged him to go to when we were together. I guess I'm happy for him, but part of me is pissed. Why couldn't he do that when we were together?! If he had, maybe I wouldn't be sitting at home alone tonight, staring at this damned computer screen. *Sigh* I know I can't blame anyone but myself, but it helps to point a finger every now and again, eh?
So tonight was spent decorating the house for the holidays; half for Christmas, half for Chanukah. My mother and I are Jewish, and my father is Catholic. Its an awesome situation. Really.
So anyways, that was my night. I feel like I want to drink myself into oblivion, and I don't even like alcohol. I guess this is just a night for depression; although the house does look gorgeous. I think the reason for my moodiness tonight is a lot of factors; the fact that I know I have papers due soon and have not even cracked open a book; the fact that I feel like I should be living a more independent life than I am now, but I guess you could say I'm having trouble finding my place between teen and woman. I mean, I don't cling to my parents like a little kid, but I'm not exactly living a hundred miles from home, either. Don't you love my complaining? But I'm sure everything will fall into place, for that is my motto for always.

Hungry?

Some of my favorite Jewish foods are Matzo Ball Soup, Brisket, Chocolate Hamenstaschen, and Challah. Some of my favorite non-Jewish food are shrimp, and ham. My tastes have not really changed over the years, except I have been more into trying different foods as of late. I went through a really picky food stage.
To me, food means celebration. In my family, we are emotional eaters. We eat when we are happy, sad, scared, etc. Unfortunately, that is why a lot of people are overweight in my family. It is hard, but I have been trying to not eat emotionally, and look at food as just fuel for my body. But it is hard with all of the fattening food that we eat to celebrate, and we have been doing this all my life.
I usually eat whatever is in the house for my meals, but I normally eat a lot of fast food, since I am on the road a lot. I should eat healthier, which is something I am trying to do.
I like to bake, and I like to make my food look pretty. And of course I like to eat it! I think the best “food” experience e I’ve had was when I went on a cruise. The food was served in such small quantities, but the quality was amazing. What was even more surprising was that I was full after this small portion. I guess quality does make a difference.
I can remember going to my Nana’s house and there was always something good cooking. Whether it was spaghetti, matzo ball soup, or biscuits, it was all so good and the house always smelled so wonderful. I miss her cooking, but most of all I miss sitting at the table with her and my Popi and talking over dinner. So that is my rant on food today.

Honor

Society honors people who do heroic deeds, who do things for others, and sometimes those who are in power but might not have done anything mitzvah orientated. When the queen of England visits a place, she is honored out of respect. Respect for her country, and her life as a monarch of her time, so she carries what I like to call a Classical Honor. The president of the United States is honored because he is a powerful influence, and he makes important decisions for our country, so he carries an Importance Honor. A rock star is honored because they are supposedly the “voice of the people”, and to be a musician is a form of art, so therefore, an Artistic Honor. A firefighter saves lives, and risks his/her own in the process, so therefore they have a Living Honor.
A person saves lives, makes important GOOD decisions, or carries a legacy in a positive manner could be honored. At the same time, I feel like a person should be honored for just being themselves, as long as they live a good life.
I honor a professor at school. I honor him because he is very wise, and a kind hearted soul. I also honor my Rabbi, for his kindness, and wisdom as well. I also honor my extended family. One can honor someone by respecting them, helping them when they need it, comforting them when they are down, etc.
When the Torah commands you to honor your parents, it does not necessary to love them, although most people do both. I think honoring your parents seems to mean the same as respecting them. The words are synonyms, after all. My parents mean the world to me. I have a very close relationship with my parents, and I love them and respect them both. I show them how I feel about them by telling them.
A word I would use to describe the perfect balance between a child and parent is Harmony. When one lives in sync in a household, then one lives in harmony. I feel like a parent/child relationship can find that middle ground that lets them be close, yet still have the proper amount of respect for each other.

Parenting Rant

When a parent has a child, that child is loved and cherished. When that same parent has another child, if they choose to do so, then that child should be loved and cherished just as much as the first. Sometimes kids feel like parents have favorites, and usually it is in the child’s head. Sibling rivalry can be tough. But sometimes, you get a horrible person who happens to have kids, and yes, that parent does play favorites. That may have gone over well in the olden times, where the first born male got all the lands and became head of house when the father died, but in today’s time, there is no room for that. Each child should be treated just like the other one is. A classic example of this is on the TV series “Toddlers and Tiaras”. Now, I don’t normally watch that show, I tried to avoid all reality shows to a point, but this one happened to be on and I was horrified at what I saw. Jamie Sterling has two twin girls that she parades around in countless beauty pageants. It was so obvious and blatant that she favored one child over the next. I was so shocked and appalled that I hope to G-d when this woman sees herself on TV, she will realize the error of her ways. But women like her are so blind and vain, she will probably never even notice the pain she is causing her children. Besides, she is the classic stage mom. Probably got pregnant too young, and now is living vicariously through her children. She clearly could have never made it in a pageant herself.
In the bible, Rebecca switches her son Jacob for Esau to receive the blessing of the elder son, because she favored Jacob. This was not a right thing to, in my opinion. Because of the fact I strongly believe that parents should not play favorites. I think things would have been better if she sat them down and had a family discussion about the roles of the family. Of course, back in the Bible days, I realize that is not how things were done. But it would have worked out better for the whole family if they had. I realize she wanted him to have success, but how do you think that made Esau feel? I know parents want to protect their kids and do what is best for them, but sometimes parents need to look at what they’re doing and see the impact they have on their kids’ feelings. My parents always strived for me to succeed, but then again, I am an only child. But I am sure that my parents would have treated my siblings just the same as they treat me.

Randomness About Friendship

Friendship means that you will be there for someone, and listen to them, and be loyal to them. Friendship doesn’t seem to have a big impact on my life when it comes to non-family friends. People move in and out of my life, and I have some lifelong friends who I sometimes lose contact with. But I consider my family to be my closest friends, and the ones I have the most fun with. I had one best friend for almost 4 years. We were dating, and then he left me. That was really hard, since not only did I lose my love, but I also lost my best friend. That’s when I decided that it’s good to have friends, but family doesn’t come and go. If I were to look for a friend, I would want someone to keep my secrets, laugh with me, and listen to my worries. I would do the same for them, too. I make friends by just talking to a person. It’s not hard for me.
My oldest friend is Amy, and I have known her from the time I was 2. I think we managed to stay friends so long, because we had such a good time together, and we were ourselves. Although there were periods where we didn’t see each other (absence makes the heart grow fonder), we still remained distant friends (she moved, and went to another school). We bonded again just recently during her pregnancy. I am so glad we did! When I used to look for a friend, I looked for someone who liked the same stuff as me, like tastes in music, and someone who was just as social as me. Now, I look for a friend that is loyal, and likes my family and enjoys hanging out with them, too. I have had problems with my friends before, and normally just talking it out with them or asking my mom for advice helped.
I have become friends with someone unexpectedly. While in my history class, I made friends with a blind girl named Mary. We are not the same, and do not share the same views on things, but I think that’s what makes us friends. We’re different, yet the same.
I think boys and girls have a different kind of friendship than girls and girls do. With boys, you don’t really have to pretend and you can just be yourself. You don’t have to worry whether they will keep your secrets or not, and they are pretty laid back about stuff. Girls you have to be careful with sometimes, because they can be catty.
I define loyalty as someone who is there for you. Period. Yes, it has to do with keeping secrets and stuff like that, but I think it is more loyal for a friend to tell your secret if he or she thinks it is harmful to you. If you hear someone talking bad about your friend, I think it would be loyal to speak up for them and set the record straight with that person.
In the Bible, Ruth left what she knew to be with her friend so her friend would not suffer. Jonathan risked the disapproval of his father to save his friends life. I don’t think I’ve done anything as drastic as save someone’s life, but I would if I needed to. I don’t know if I would leave my surroundings, but I would invite my friend to come live with me.
I deal with cliques the same way I deal with rude people. Ignore them. I just am friends with whoever I want, and I do not let anyone persuade me. I make my own judgments. I’ve been in the “in-crowd” and I have been out. It does feel good to be in the clique, but it didn’t really bother me to be out either. I didn’t really like the girls after I was ousted, but I didn’t stew over it. I am friendly with anyone and everyone. In high school, I used to make my rounds around the cafeteria in the morning, visiting the different “cliques”, because I had friends in each group. I don’t take well to peer pressure; I ignore it.

Rainy, Lazy Day

Today...it rained. Alot. Rain rain rain. I thought I would take advantage of this rain by curling up in my warm snuggly bed with a couple good books and my laptop (in case I wanted to jot down a few notes). BUT my mom had other ideas. (Yes, I still live at home with my parents...I'm a 19 year old student, ok? LoL) she came upstairs, banging around and vacuuming her room...even with my door shut, I could not concentrate...ugh. So I ended up helping her sort through all the crap we keep in this house that we don't really need... But finally I got to settle in with a good book and a cup of hot chocolate...very peaceful, listening to the rain outside and the hum of my ceiling fan. It was, all in all, a good day. Although right now I'm not feeling too well. I hope I'm not getting one of those stomach flu things...that is the LAST thing I need right now...

WHEEEEE!!!

Today was Busch Gardens day! Had a lot of fun - rode all the rides like twice! (^.^)

My friend and I both have this "thing" for Irish/Scottish guys, so when we were in Ireland and Scotland, we were hoping to find us some lads, or men in kilts. Yummy. But, sadly, there were none. Oh well. Looks like I'm gonna have to go to the REAL country to get my Celtic fix!

Childhood

Took my cousin and his friends out to eat today. It was a lot of fun, actually. I don't remember being that...young. Like, I always felt I was "mature" for my age, haha. They are very carefree, which is a good thing, I suppose. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I could do my childhood over again, would I? I had a lot of fun, but there were some regrets. But one thing is for sure, even if I knew how my relationship would end up with "The One That Got Away", I would still date him all over again, because that was the best 3 years of my life.
Was looking through some old childhood books today. I swear, some of these kids' books today are ridiculous. Give me the classics. I am saving all my old books for my kids someday. I know some of y'all remember these books.

Today...

Was very nice. The memorial service was beautiful, and I ended up singing Shalom Rav with two other of my choir mates. I managed to hold it together until I came down from the Bimah, then I bursted into tears. I normally try not to cry, but it never works. I am a very sensitive person.

The temple always looks so beautiful in the morning. The way the sun comes in, its just a very peaceful, magical moment.

When I got home, I crashed. I slept practically all day today. I don't know why I was so tired. So tonight I will probably have trouble sleeping again, because my sleep cycle is messed up...again. Oh well.

Well tonight is the first football game I've seen in a long while. I think its the Titans Vs. the Giants. Well, can't wait to see who wins!

I had absolutely no clue that John Madden retired! Well, I think he deserves it. Hasn't he been narrating/playing for...I don't know...forever?!?

Hello World, And All Who Inhabit It!

Greetings fellow bloggers!
Welcome to Life as I know it! Here, you will hear...er...read...the ramblings of a Jewish teenage girl who has been thrown into the transition into adulthood.
Tonight was great! Went to the a boy's Bar Mitzvah. It was Asain themed. Beautiful decorations! I danced my butt off, and probably made a fool of myself, but it was fun nonetheless. It's interesting, though, how one day you get up, drink and be merry, celebrate the upcoming life of a 13 year old boy, and the next, go to pay respects to an old friend who's life was taken too soon. Tomorrow is the memorial service of a beloved man in our congregation. He was a wondeful person, and will be dearly missed. I am not really sure what to expect tomorrow. I have not been to a memorial service in a Temple before. I wonder if it is the same as Christian memorial services. Well, we'll see. Rest In Peace my dear friend, we will see you again someday, and Mazel Tov to the Bar Mitzvah boy! For as the Bible says, "There is an appointed time for everything. and there is a time for every purpose under heavenA time to be born and a time to die, A time to sow and a time to reapA time to kil and a time to healA time to tear down and a time to build upA time to weep and a time to laughA time to mourn and a time to danceA time to throw stones and a time to gather stones togetherA time to embrac and a time to shun embracingA time to search and a time to give up as lostA time to keep and a time to throw awayA time to tear apart and a time to sew togetherA time to "be silent and a time to speak"A time to love and a time to hateA time for war and a time for peace."