Musings

So its Friday night, and I should be out and about, or at least a Temple. But I've just been so tired lately. I never seem to act my age; I'm 20 years old, and tend to act like a middle aged woman. I don't know if that hinders the search for my man or what. I know a guy needs to like you for who you are, but I am both people. I used to want to go out all the time, but then when I got heavy, I tended to shy away from the party scene (unconsciously I think). Now I've lost a lot of the weight, and my subconscious wants to go out, but I think my conscious is scared. Also, I used to date a man who NEVER wanted to go out, and I accepted that, because I loved him for him (long story for another blog perhaps). I've found out recently that he now goes out to the places I begged him to go to when we were together. I guess I'm happy for him, but part of me is pissed. Why couldn't he do that when we were together?! If he had, maybe I wouldn't be sitting at home alone tonight, staring at this damned computer screen. *Sigh* I know I can't blame anyone but myself, but it helps to point a finger every now and again, eh?
So tonight was spent decorating the house for the holidays; half for Christmas, half for Chanukah. My mother and I are Jewish, and my father is Catholic. Its an awesome situation. Really.
So anyways, that was my night. I feel like I want to drink myself into oblivion, and I don't even like alcohol. I guess this is just a night for depression; although the house does look gorgeous. I think the reason for my moodiness tonight is a lot of factors; the fact that I know I have papers due soon and have not even cracked open a book; the fact that I feel like I should be living a more independent life than I am now, but I guess you could say I'm having trouble finding my place between teen and woman. I mean, I don't cling to my parents like a little kid, but I'm not exactly living a hundred miles from home, either. Don't you love my complaining? But I'm sure everything will fall into place, for that is my motto for always.